Check in

The 7th anniversary of my final chemo treatment passed by on Aug 5, 2018. Not sure if anyone sees this blog anymore, but it is a work in progress, as I am. I made the decision to retire earlier than I had originally planned and I am so happy I did. I am living full time in our Washington home and it is absolutely beautiful here. Deer come by every evening and a wild turkey flock comes by regularly. We had up to 8 chickens but the coyotes seemed to need them more than we did. So we have replaced the lost ones and are once again at 8. We have 3 laying hens, 4 chicks, and a rooster. All 12 dogs are here with us. They have had some adjusting to do since arriving and this winter will bring many more adjustments. The lone cat hangs out downstairs. I spend my days sewing, playing music and reading. All of the hobbies I love. We started going to the American Legion on Friday nights so I may play music with others in a fun jam session type setting. I've been taking some sewing classes and actually completing some projects. I started a Quilts of Valor group here that is sponsored by the American Legion Auxiliary. I anticipate awarding our first quilts this year on Veteran's Day. Although my favorite season, summer, is quickly turning to fall, I find myself looking forward to spending my days warm and cozy in my studio or in the library. I am closely guarding my time and continue to be cautious, so I do not become overwhelmed with too many activities. I think I will look into taking piano and stand up bass lessons this winter, when most of my days will be indoors. In exchange, I won't be taking any sewing classes. Balance, balance, balance. Still not giving enough energy to taking care of my body. But I think as I become more accustomed to retired life, I will make time for exercise and meditation. Both are very important for that balance. I will be going to CA next week for the President's Challenge at the quilt guild in which I am currently co president. I'll be going back down to CA the end of November for the Home Tour, PNQG Christmas party, and the Cut Ups Christmas party. This will be my final tenure as co president. Then it will probably be some time before I leave WA again. I am content and satisfied with my life. I have accomplished many goals and still have just as many to look forward to experiencing. I now have the opportunity to really listen and hear what calls to me. I never take any day for granted and I am beyond grateful for having my health. so I may enjoy all of the abundance the Universe has to offer. Hugs!

August 5 marks the 6th anniversary of my last chemo treatment. Since my last post I have made many changes to my life. I was the school counselor and then two years ago I took on the position of principal at the same school. It was a grueling year and I kept asking myself if I wasn't doing exactly what I had done before I became sick. The planets aligned and the Universe came to my rescue. This is my second year teaching students with mild learning disabilities. I have very small groups, no behavior issues with the students, get to make my own schedule, and have a significant amount of time off. My husband and I bought a house in WA and in three years I plan to retire and move there full time. I have embarked on another musical journey and meet with my band mates weekly to rehearse. We had our first gig a couple of weeks ago. I am currently the president of my quilt guild and I am back to sewing regularly. I'm also back in school myself, taking a couple of music classes and a psych class. It has taken me a long time to realize that if it ain't fun, it ain't worth doing. I have learned to say no and recognize when I am at capacity with taking on new projects. I hold dear the fact that life is a gift and I try to live each day in mindful recognition of that. I strive to maintain balance between the physical, mental, creative, relational, intellectual, and spiritual aspects. The area I tend to leave out the most is the physical. It is a challenge for me to make time to honor my body, as I am mostly in my head. It is an area that I must work on as I know first hand what happens when the body fails to heal. I feel very at peace with everything else in my life. I am grateful each day to wake up to explore and experience a new day. I am grateful for all of my friends and family. Life is good!

December 23, 2015

Wow, time sure does go by in the blink of an eye! It has been about 3 years since I last posted on this blog. I just had my CA-125 on Monday and it was 11.5. Today is the fifth anniversary of being diagnosed with ovarian cancer. I am healthy and so grateful for all of the amazing experiences I have had the opportunity to enjoy. Shannon and I celebrated our 10th wedding anniversary in July. We have been on several cruises. I was promoted to Principal of my school site in August and that has been an amazing challenge. Each and every day is treasured and cherished. Last January I wrote a list of 100 things I wanted to accomplish or experience and in 2015 I saw six of these come to fruition. Looking forward to seeing what unfolds in 2016, while practicing staying in the moment. Hugs to all!

Thursday October 25, 2012

I know it has been a while since my last post. Things have been just humming along nicely. I am still totally in love with my job, I am playing bass and singing again in the Mojave Moon Band, and I’m continuing to widen my quilting horizons. My CA-125 continues to be normal and life has been amazing.

However over the past year I had developed a gallstone and I had been having occasional symptoms. I felt burning pain in my mid chest, radiating to my back. Sometimes it would keep me up all night. It was extremely painful. In the week before Wed Oct 18 I had two such bouts. On Wed Oct 18 I had an exceptionally severe one and I was in pain all night. I went to work Thursday morning to help with the Great American ShakeOut but then left for the emergency room at St. Mary’s. Lindsay met me there. They did an ultrasound and found multiple gallstones. There was some concern that the radiologist saw a shadow on the liver. I had a CT scan with contrast and no stones showed in the duct. Also the radiologist did not see anything on the liver.

The pain continued and they wanted to make sure no stones had become lodged in the duct. So on Friday I had an MRI. I had been feeling very sick to my stomach the whole time. Not enough to actually need to throw up, but severe enough that I could not eat anything. The MRI was horrible. I was afraid that I would get into that tube and start to throw up and that they wouldn’t get me out fast enough. I was kind of strapped into a lacy metal contraption, and along with the tight tube, my claustrophobia reared its ugly head. There was no way I was going to be able to do it. They were going to send me back up to the room for meds, but the nurse called Lindsay, who was having dinner with Betty and Shannon across the street, and she came back. She told me I had to do it. So she stood outside the tube, holding my hands with my arms over my head and with that support I made it through. Lindsay saved the day once again.

It appeared that there were no stones in the duct, so I was scheduled for surgery the following morning, Sat, at 7am. The surgeon was going to try to remove the gallbladder the laparoscopic method, however due to my previous surgery last year that might not have been possible.  They might have to do an open surgery which would be much more invasive. He was also going to look at the liver to determine if he needed to take a liver biopsy.

They were able to do the laparoscopic method, although the surgeon said that it was very difficult to do. He said he did not see anything on the liver so no biopsy was taken. I still had not taken in any food by mouth. I slept most of Saturday while Betty and Shannon read electronic books.

On Sunday the surgeon came in to take out the drain and I nearly went through each ceiling on my way through the roof. They said they would not release me until I could eat. So I significantly reduced the pain meds and by Sunday night I could eat a few pears. I ate half a piece of French toast on Monday morning, and then Lindsay brought a 6” Subway tuna sandwich to me for lunch. I ate about a third of that. And I ate oyster crackers. I was past ready to come home.

They released me Monday Oct 23 around 5pm. The ride home on the dirt roads was much easier this time after surgery. Last year’s surgery was worse by many levels. Tuesday I pretty much rested all day. I read a book. Wednesday I did a little light housework and then when Shannon came home from work, we went out to the Saloon so I could practice for an hour. Today I’m feeling even stronger. I have plans to do more light housework and even some sewing. We will go out to the Saloon for another hour tonight when Shannon gets home. I am off work until Monday. I was supposed to be attending a conference that I had been looking forward to since summer vacation, but I had to cancel that. I’m disappointed but realize that “life happens”.

I go tomorrow to the surgeon to get the staples out. Then I know I need to give my body time to heal and revive. I still have to meet with my primary care doc when he gets all of the results of the tests to determine if I still need a liver biopsy. Since only one of the three tests indicated a problem and the surgeon did not see anything I will let that worry rest.

I’m not the kind of person who likes to have visitors when I’m sick. I kind of insulate myself to concentrate on the task of healing. I’m grateful for Shannon, Lindsay, and Betty being there and for all of those friends and family who kept me in there prayers. I know many people wanted to come by and see me and I really appreciate that concern. Please know that.

Big hugs to you all!

 

 

Tuesday June 26, 2012

Hello!

I went to my surgeon yesterday for my 3 month checkup and all is well. My CA-125 from May 22 was 10.3 so everything is just right on the health front.

I attended my Ph.D. graduation on June 16 with my daughter Lindsay, son Wes, granddaughter Taylor, and husband, Shannon. I presented my paper to ITP on Friday June 15. Difficult to pare down 2 years of work and over 100 pages into a 15 min presentation, but I feel it went well. It was a whirlwind weekend that started and ended with the 7 hour drive up and back. I was so grateful for my family being there.

My last post mentioned that I had won one ribbon at the fair, but I didn’t know at that time about any others. Turns out I won two second place and two third place ribbons. So four out of the six quilts I entered, placed. I was really amazed and happy about that!

Mojave Moon is still rehearsing and getting better all the time. We have a great group and have become good friends as well as band mates. I try to practice at least three to four times a week. After this week, I’ll be able to bump that up to daily practice.

I haven’t done much sewing lately, but that will also change after this week. I want to sew, play music, read, meditate and go to the gym as my daily schedule starting next week. This is the first summer break in 6 years that I do not have any papers due or books to read. I am looking forward to concentrating on my creative, spiritual, and physical aspects for a change. Time to get out of the mental/intellectual part.

Hugs to you all!

Dr. Dar. J

Hi All!

I see it has been a few months since I last posted so I thought I’d give an update. -

On the heath front, all is well! I had my last CA-125 a week ago and it is holding steady at 10.3. I feel great, have lots of energy, and life is GOOD.

I received the following today…

Dear Darlene Packard-Mossman, Congratulations. Your submission, 10180 has cleared all of the necessary checks and will soon be delivered to ProQuest/UMI for publishing. In addition, all requirements of the ITP Dissertation Office have been fulfilled and the registrar has been notified of your completion. Regards, Institute of Transpersonal Psychology Administrator -

So I am COMPLETELY and TOTALLY FINISHED with the dissertation and I am officially Dr. Dar. I go in two weeks for graduation to put the icing on the cake. If anyone is interested in reading it, I’d be happy to email it to you. I’m sure it will be riveting and the best 118 pages you will ever enjoy! :)

I entered six quilts into the San Bernardino County Fair this year. Cristy went last weekend and found that I had received a 2nd place on one, but she could not find the other five. I’ll be going to the fair on Sunday so I’ll let you know if there are any other surprises. It has always been a feeling of such satisfaction to even enter my quilts into the fair. And to win a ribbon is such a shock every year. But it is nice to know that my quilting skills are evolving to the point that ribbons are awarded. I know I am up against some tough competition every year.

Our band, Mojave Moon, is still practicing weekly. We have a good group and it is really coming together. I am having a blast playing bass guitar again. Now that the Ph.D. is finished, I want to spend some time relearning how to read music. It has been a while but I know with some time it will come back to me. We have our first official gig at a club called Poison Ivy in Glen Ivy on July 7. Then we will be at Froggies in Apple Valley on Friday July 27th. We have a website started mojavemoonband.com so check it out for more details of upcoming events.

I am still totally in love with my job. Every day is a joy and I am grateful for each moment.

So all in all, my life is AWESOME! I just celbrated my 55th birthday yesterday. I’m looking forward to seeing what delights this next year will bring. I’ll keep you all posted.

Hugs! Dr. Dar

Thursday February 16, 2012

Hi everyone! I just wanted to enter an update. Every month I go to have my porta cath flushed, which means they inject saline solution into it to make sure it doesn’t clot. They drew blood also and yesterday I got the results that my CA-125 was 10.6!!! That is the lowest it has ever been! I see the oncologist today for my 3 month visit. Then I have my 3 month visit to the surgeon on March 5. I’m still a bit anemic with my hemoglobin at 11.1 (normal is 12-14) but I feel that I have lots of energy. In fact, Shannon gave me a pair of turtle earrings as a reminder to slow down. I still have the neuropathy in my feet but I’m taking medication that seems to help it a bit. My toes are still numb but the bottoms of my feet are better.

On the dissertation front….my mentor/Chair has the first four chapters and has completed his review of the first three with very few editing comments. I know I have a few more pieces to add to the literature review (Chapter 2) but that will be very minor. This upcoming 3 day weekend, I plan to get those first four chapters completed and off to the editor on Tuesday. Then I will work on Chapter 5. I’m hoping that by the end of March I should be able to plan the date for my defense with my whole committee. After that, there are just administrational tasks to get the dissertation published. I plan to “walk” and publically receive my Ph.D. in Psychology on June 17, 2012. It has been a long journey and such an amazing learning experience. I am really glad I did this.

Our band finally has a name! We are officially “Mojave Moon”. We have a website…Mojavemoonband.com. Of course, there isn’t much there now, but we (meaning Shannon) will eventually be adding info, pictures, and upcoming gigs. We have our first gig already planned…we are playing for the entire 8th grade student body at our middle school. That will probably be our toughest crowd. So we are rehearsing weekly to prepare for that one and then in April we should be ready to start booking. I am taking weekly bass lessons and learning so much. I played bass for many years but never fully understood the whole instrument. Now I’m learning that there is a reason for the bass having more than the first two strings! :)

I have been completing quilting projects. I finally finished Betty’s tote bag that was her Christmas present and gave it to her last weekend. I have the binding machine sewn onto Cory’s quilt…just need to do the hand sewing. I have coffee cup blocks that I started for my friendship group the “Cut Ups” so I need to get them finished before next Wednesday. I turned in a UFO (unfinished objects) list for the President’s Challenge at my quilt guild (Pine Needles Quilt Guild) with 25 projects to complete. Yikes! But once the dissertation is completed, I can get most of these projects completed by the challenge deadline of October.

I am still totally in love with my job. Every day is a new experience and I love working with the students one at a time. I never have to do discipline and I get to encourage, motivate, and inspire students each day. It is so rewarding! There is never enough time to get to all of the things I want to do though. I have intentions of setting up a career center, going into classrooms and giving social skills/career/high school A-G requirements lessons, and starting a gay/straight alliance on our campus. But I realize I will not be able to accomplish all of these things this year. We will be having Career Day on May 30 where I will be inviting people in a variety of occupations to present to the students. If there is anyone who reads this who would like to talk about their career to 7/8 grade students, please let me know. :)

I think that is all for now. I will try to update this blog monthly.
Hugs to everyone!
Dar

Sunday January 15, 2012

Happy New Year to everyone! And it is a happy new year for me. Had my CA-125 two weeks ago and it is holding steady at 11.8. Of course I started to panic as it has gone from 11.4 to 11.5 and now 11.8. But I was assured that it is well within the max of 35. Again, it is like any blood test or somatic measurement. It will fluctuate from time to time. As long as it doesn't go up significantly, I'm ok. Yay!!

I'm still anemic but not by much. 11.2 which is just under the 12 that is the low end of normal. But I have lots of energy and I feel great!

My job is AWESOME!!! I wake up each morning with excited anticipation, looking forward to what the day will bring. :)

I am busily working on my dissertation. I spent all day yesterday and I'll be at it all day today and tomorrow. I plan to have a draft of Chapter 4 winging its way through cyberspace to my chairperson by tomorrow afternoon. Then while he is looking through that, I'll be starting Chapter 5. These are the last two chapters of the paper. I'm sure I will have to edit these as they go through the various phases...chairperson...editor...committee...and final edit check, but I can see that the completion of this project is in sight. I fully plan to be flying to Palo Alto on June 16 to graduate with that Ph.D. Yipppeeee!

I am so grateful for all of the blessings in my life. I am daily grateful for what, I'm guessing, many people take for granted. I'm grateful for being able to take a shower and get out of bed without help, I'm grateful for being able to breathe and eat, and for having enough hair to use shampoo instead of bar soap. I'm grateful that I don't have to wear my hair hat anymore. I'm grateful for the adventures I can enjoy with quilting and the new version of music with playing bass again and being in a band.

Most of all I'm grateful for all of the AMAZING friends and family I have in my life. My quilting sisters, my Pinkie sisters and Jen, my band members, my coworkers within AESD, the students at my site who check in with me daily just to say hi, Cristy, my mentor Mark Brady, my Channel 7 friends from high school days, my family; Shannon, Lindsay, Wes, Taylor, Sean, Cory, Betty, Allan, Nancy, and the rest of the extended family. Wow this list sounds good for my acknowledgment page of my dissertation! :)

Thank you all for your love. Right back at 'cha. :)

Hugs,
Dar

Thursday December 28, 2011

I’ve been reflecting on this past year and all of the changes that have come my way. I had begun to have symptoms last November and then went into the hospital in December. I was given the diagnosis of ovarian cancer on Dec 23, 2010. I had surgery on Jan 21, 2011 and started chemo in Feb 2011. My last chemo was Aug 8, 2011. I lost almost 50lbs and all of my hair. I had a PET scan in September that showed all evidence of cancer was gone. My CA-125s have all been in the 11.4 range for the past 3 months. My blood tests still show some anemia, but I feel great and have lots of energy.

Last Christmas, I was having trouble eating and breathing…I was on oxygen. This year I was bustling around, baking, sewing, and enjoying life. I’ve put some of the weight back on (especially after all that baking :)) and my hair is about an inch long now. I no longer wear my “hair hat”. When I go back to work on Jan 9, I will be sporting a new look…spiky hair. :)

I’ve been invited to be part of a band and it has been such fun to play bass again. I’m taking bass lessons as well. I’ve completed all of the interviews for my dissertation, they have been transcribed, and now I’m working on the coding. I’ve been doing some kind of sewing almost every day. My life feels full and every morning I feel anticipation and excitement at what the day will bring.

I have learned so much from the cancer teacher. To be grateful for each and every moment, for the love, support, and encouragement from my amazing friends and family, and to never take anything for granted. Although I must admit, there is fear that it could come back. This fear lurks just around my consciousness but I gently push those thoughts to the back recesses of my mind. I was told that there was only a 30% survival rate for ovarian cancer. So instead of focusing on the 70% who don’t make it, I figure I will be in that 30%. Some people have to…why not me? I took an elective class during my first couple of years at ITP called Grief, Death, and Dying. One of the assignments was to listen to a recording of a book called “One Year to Live”. The couple decided to live for one year as if it were their last. They made some remarkable discoveries. At the time of the class, I could not really appreciate the significance of this assignment. But now I try to live each day in positive intention and gratefulness. I am so much more at peace than I have been in many years. Cancer taught me a lot…but I’m glad it is gone.

I will be going back to the oncologist next Monday for my monthly blood test and port flush. I will need to do that every four to five weeks for the next several years. Eventually I am hopeful that the port can be removed…but for now it is just a minor inconvenience in the whole scheme of things. I still have the neuropathy in my feet, but again, it pales in comparison to other symptoms I have experienced over this past year.

Over the next couple of days I will be reflecting on setting my intentions for 2012. I don’t think of them as “resolutions” as much as guidelines for maintaining balance in my life. It is so easy for me to get sucked into a whirlwind of activities and forget to breathe. I am so grateful for all of you for helping me to remember to pause and take a breath.

Wishing each of you a 2012 filled with love, laughter, peace, prosperity, abundance, and health.
Hugs,
Dar

Wednesday 12/7/11

Just a quick update. I had my blood drawn when the PA at the oncologist’s office did the port flush last Thursday. My white count is good (in the normal range) but I still have a bit of anemia. Just can’t seem to keep my hemoglobin up there. She told me to take vitamins with iron. One of my Pinkie Sistas, Stephanie (ITP), told me of some good ones but I’ll have to ask her again.

My CA-125 came back at 11.5. Yeah!

It is a constant nagging worry that I keep tucked at the back of my mind about that number. I have had two friends now, have their numbers jump into the critical range after having had chemo and going for a period of time with low numbers. But I also know others who have had the low numbers for over a decade. Still the fear continues to lurk in the corners of my daily life.

I still really love my job. There is just not enough time to get to all of the students who need the help. But I work my way through the pile of call slips each day. Maybe someday I’ll find the bottom!

On the dissertation front, I have finished the sixth interview. I have several packets still out and if they come in, great…it will just give me more data. But I have the minimum I need for my study. I have to transcribe that last one and then over winter break I’ll be working on writing the final chapters of the dissertation.

The band is coming along nicely. We have had three rehearsals. The music and harmonies are already coming together. The next bass lesson is tomorrow. Shonna liked the idea of learning to play the bass lines on a keyboard rather than the bass guitar so our teacher will be showing both. Pretty cool that we have such a versatile teacher.

I still have lots of quilt tops to quilt. Four of them are Christmas presents so those are the ones I’ll concentrate on first. Once I get going on them, it won’t take long to get them quilted. And then there is the binding…

So all and all things are really good in my life. I have an amazing family and super friends. I am doing my best to maintain balance between family, friends, work, and hobbies. It is great when they can be combined.

Hugs to you all, and thank you for keeping me in your thoughts.

Dar

Wednesday 11/9/11

I know I haven’t written for a while so I thought I would update the blog.
I had my blood work done last Thursday and all of my levels are normal again. My CA125 was 11.7! I still have the neuropathy in my feet. It is difficult to walk barefoot as there are so many places on the bottom of my feet that I still cannot feel. And if I’m on my feet too much they start to throb. But this is such a minor issue in the whole scheme of things.

Otherwise, I have been feeling great and so many wonderful opportunities have been arriving.

I absolutely LOVE my new job as counselor for a middle school. Every morning I look forward to what the day will bring. I never have to do any discipline with the students. Years ago I developed my own personal mission statement of what I felt was my main purpose in life. “To motivate and inspire others to reach their highest potential”. I get to live that mission each and every day now. I come home with a full heart every night. I am doing what I was meant to do.

One of the teachers at my school is in a band and when she heard that I used to play music professionally, she asked me to join her band. Such an exciting opportunity! Again, I don’t have to do any of the stuff I didn’t like before, like booking the band, dealing with the club owners, or having to “talk” with band members. I get to just show up, sing, and play bass. And that leads me to another awesome journey. I met an incredible bass player and asked her if she would consider teaching. She agreed and I have my first real bass lesson this Thursday night. I’m so excited! I had played bass for years but never had a lesson. Now I will be able to play and really know the instrument. Great stuff!

The new band is coming over to the ShanDar Saloon on Saturday evening to jam and just get to know each other. I’m really looking forward to that.

I have thirteen quilt tops waiting to be quilted. Guess I’d better stop piecing and get to quilting. Some of them are Christmas presents, so I’d better get going! :)

I have only one more interview to do and then I am done with that phase of my dissertation. I’m currently transcribing the interviews I have done and when that is completed I can focus on the coding and then writing the final two chapters. I can see the light at the end of the Ph.D. tunnel! I plan to spend most of the 3 week Winter Break, completing the first draft so I can get it to my committee by mid-January. I seem to be running the course for that goal.

I still want to work on eating healthier, exercising, and a regular meditation practice. I start and stop with these. It seems so easy to slip back into old habits that are not conducive to health. Even if I can do one of these things each day, I will be doing myself a favor.

One of the many lessons I learned from having had cancer is to be mindful of each commitment I make. My intention is to limit activities that do not bring me joy. And also to keep my commitments manageable. It is so easy for me to over commit to too many activities. Right now I have the Ph.D., quilting, singing, and relearning to play bass. I am not adding anything else to this list for now. When the Ph.D. is completed, I can replace that with something else if I choose. As tempting as it is to volunteer for a position at my quilt guild or at my school site, I am being very mindful of keeping my hand down. My mentor, who is now also the chair of my Ph.D. committee, passed on some sage advice. Whenever faced with a decision, the question to ask is “what do I love and what do I love more?” I think of that lesson each and every day. It seems to be an essential question for me.
That is all for now. I’ll try to update this blog every couple of weeks.

Big hugs to each and every one of you!
Dar

Monday 09/26/11

Today is a very good day! Went to the oncologist’s office and got the results from the PET scan. I am completely cancer free!!! No more chemo!!! I’ll have to have my blood checked every couple of months and I’ll have to get the porta cath flushed every month. But that is such a minor thing. I go to see the surgeon next Monday for a follow-up appointment. I just have to keep up the healthy eating, meditation, and begin some kind of exercise. My feet and toes are still numb but I can start by doing some floor work. I’d like to start Yoga or Tai Chi but first I need to build up muscle strength. Small steps. A new gallstone was found on the scan and I have had three episodes of those symptoms. I’m going to check with the UCI surgeon on Monday to see if there are other treatments besides surgery. But if I have to have it out, it is an outpatient procedure and I can have it done over one of the holiday breaks.

I absolutely love my new job. Every day is something new. I look forward to going to work with lots of positive anticipation. I know this is the work I was meant to do.

On the dissertation front…I have one participant ready to interview. I should be able to get that accomplished this week. I gave out five more parental consents yesterday and I’ll probably give out another five today. My study calls for six to ten so I will definitely meet that criteria. I’m hoping to get all or at least most of the interviews done by the end of next week so I can start the writing process the following week when we are off for fall break. I already have two interviews recorded, transcribed, and the initial coding done. I’m so excited to see things rolling along.
So all and all, things are definitely on an upswing. It has been almost a year since I began to notice symptoms related to the CA. Now I’ll be looking forward to completing the dissertation and graduation, becoming much more knowledgeable in my job, and honoring my body, mind, and spirit. Of course my circles of friends and family will continue to be huge pieces of my life.

I send deep gratitude to each and every one of you who have been a part of my healing. I know it took a village to make this happen.

Hugs and lots of love to you all!
Dar

Sunday September 18, 2011

We went to the Hesperia Eagles last night for dinner and karaoke last night. Cristy, Mike, Betty, and Lindsay joined us for the fun. Sure was surprised to see Mike B. as the KJ!

Taylor marched in the Hesperia Day Parade in the morning. She was the only girl with a rifle! She was stylin’ in her ROTC uniform. Lindsay and I walked the parade route with her. That is the longest walk I’ve had in a long time. It sure will be nice when I can feel the bottoms of my feet and my toes!

After the parade, I had the PET scan done. I have an appointment with the oncologist a week from tomorrow to get the results. Hopefully I can then put most of this experience in the past. I will still have to go in once a month to have the port flushed and to check my blood. I thought that I would have the port taken out next summer, but Lindsay suggested I keep it in for at least a couple of years. The surgery for getting it was more extensive than what most people experience, and she is concerned that it might be even more difficult if I have to have it done again. She has been spot on so far…I will follow her advice.

Today I plan to spend most of the day in my sewing studio. I have lots of projects to keep me busy…not to mention laundry…housework…yard work…But I feel great and have lots of energy and for that I am very grateful.

Tomorrow starts week three of my new job and week two of flying solo. It is great to look forward to going to work!

Hugs to you all!
Dar

Wednesday 9/14/11

I haven’t updated for a while because I’ve been waiting for lab results. I went last Thursday for blood work. My hemoglobin is still down at 8.8 (normal is 12 – 18) and my white blood count is 2.9 (normal 4.5-6.5). The PA suggested I take vitamins to help bring those numbers up. I feel really good, though.

I started my new job as the Counselor at the middle school last Tuesday. I worked with the gal who has been in the job for the past 8 years over those 4 days. Monday was my first day flying solo. I just LOVE my job. Yesterday I had a meeting that included middle school counselors from all over the high desert to share ideas and talk about programs at their school sites. It is a great way to share resources and find out what is happening in the school counseling world. Today and tomorrow I have training all day. Did I mention that I just LOVE my new job!!!! I still have a LOT to learn, but I am enjoying the adventure of finding my way.

More good news!!!! Yesterday the oncologist’s office called and my CA-125 is down to 11.4!!! That is the lowest it has ever been. Now I just have to get the PET scan. I’ll be calling today to get that scheduled.

I am starting to get peach fuzz on my scalp. I’m guessing it will be 6 – 12 months before I can ditch the wig, but at least I’m seeing some progress. Now if only I could feel the bottoms of my feet and my middle toes… But that will happen with time also.

So all and all things are going really well. I’m very happy and my stress level is very low. I’m eating healthier, meditating, and feeling stronger every day.

Thank you all for your encouragement, support and love. It has made all the difference!

Hugs,
Dar

Tuesday 08/30/11

I’m still waiting for the call to schedule the PET scan. I spoke with a gal in the oncologist’s office yesterday and she said I should hear from the imaging place by the end of the week. I’m scheduled to have my porta cath flushed on Sept 8. . I’m guessing they will do blood tests that day also. I will have to go every 4-6 weeks to have that done so the port does not clot up. If all goes well, I should be able to have that removed next summer.

The only symptom I still have is the neuropathy in my feet. It is a difficult feeling to explain but the bottoms of my feet and my toes are mostly numb, however they also hurt when I walk on them. The oncologist said that might go away in weeks, months, or up to a year.

Big news is that I accepted a position as the Guidance Counselor at one of the middle schools in my district. I am waiting for HR to find a replacement for me in the classroom and then I’m off to my new career. I obtained my M.S. in School Counseling in 2000 and had intended that to be my ultimate job. But due to budget cuts, these positions are few and far between. So I will be out of the classroom, finally! I’m so looking forward to this new adventure! Lindsay went clothes shopping with me last week and I now have a completely new work wardrobe. Then we went looking for shoes and I ended up with four pair of work shoes. I usually HATE to shop for clothes and shoes, however this time I found lots of things I liked and that fit well. Huge thanks, once again, to Lindsay! She is such a blessing in so many ways.

That’s about all for now. I’ll update when I hear from the imaging center.
Hugs,
Dar

Thursday 08/18/11

Saw the oncologist today and he will put through the referral for the PET scan tomorrow. He said it would take about 10 days to get approval and then another couple of days for the imaging company to schedule it. But I should be able to have the scan within the next 3 weeks. Then I will schedule an appointment with both the oncologist up here and also the surgeon at UCI. If the PET scan is clear, I don’t have to do any more chemo!!! And I don’t have to do any more until at least after the scan so I get a break for about 8 weeks. Whoo Hoo!

Hugs!
Dar

Monday 08/15/11

I had my “week-after chemo” blood tests today. The numbers are really down this time. WBC was 1.6 (normal 4.1 – 10.9) RBC was 2.49 (normal is 4.20-6.30) Hematocrit was 25.6 (normal 37-51) Hemoglobin was 8.4 (normal 12.0-18.0). And the fact that I have a cold right now is not good as my body does not have the resources to combat any infection. The oncologist gave me a prescription for an antibiotic that I will need to take twice a day. In spite of all that, I was able to have a delightful lunch with Martha and Heather and run several errands. I’m tired this evening so it will be good that tomorrow I will be home most of the day. I want to stop by Cristy’s, as it is her birthday tomorrow, and I want to drop off a small gift. I am scheduled for a massage in the late afternoon. I thought it would be a good thing to have the day before I head back to work on Wednesday. Shannon is in Albuquerque for a work conference this week, but Wes will be home after work every day so I’ll have company.
That’s the update for now. I’ll do another update after my appointment on Thursday.
Hugs to all!
Dar

Sunday 08/14/11

Started with a sore throat on Thursday night and now it seems to have turned into a chest cold. Lots of coughing. Yesterday Shannon and I went to Apple Valley to pick up my sewing machine. It is all cleaned and oiled and ready for another year of service. By the time we got back home, I was wiped out. I sat in my chair and watched shows that we had recorded over the week. My mind is full of energy and it gets frustrated with my body who won’t keep up. There are so many things I want to do but sometimes just walking to another room leaves me worn out. I guess this is my body’s way of asserting itself. One of the lessons this whole experience has taught me is that I must honor my body just as much as I do my head. Before I became ill I never thought about my body. It was like I lived from the neck up. Now I am forced to acknowledge my body’s importance and to pay attention to its needs. Such a tough lesson for me.

I talked to Lindsay last night and she has cautioned me to be open minded when we see the oncologist on Thursday. The gal that was doing chemo with me had been told by the oncologist that she would need 6 – 9 treatments. She had her heart set that she was done after the 6th one. But the oncologist wanted her to have 3 more. Although she was really disappointed, she did those additional three. She just had a CT scan and last week the oncologist told her she was cancer free! The oncologist told me 9 – 12 treatments. I have had 8 full treatments so far. Lindsay doesn’t want me to be devastated if the oncologist wants me to do more treatments. So although I so want to be done with chemo so I can get my life back, I am trying to psych myself up so if he does say I need more, I won’t be blindsided. We shall see.

I am having lunch with Heather and Martha tomorrow. Haven’t seen them since I have been off from work in January. Martha has sent me numerous text messages wishing me well, and Heather has sent me a card every week with news of her family. I am so fortunate to have such wonderful friends. I go back to work on Wednesday to a new classroom where all of my stuff is in boxes. Martha will be helping me to get the classroom in shape for when the students start on Monday Aug 22.

It appears that I already have 21 students on my roll. These students have a variety of cognitive and behavioral challenges such as autism, mental retardation, ADHD, among others. These students are in my Special Day Class where they are supposed to have small group instruction to help to remediate their academic deficits so they can eventually be moved into the general education classes. With 21 students in grades 4-6 and academic abilities that range from K – 4, and having only one aide, small groups are pretty much out the window. This has caused me no small amount of angst in the past. But this year my perspective has changed. I will do the best that I can to teach those who are receptive. I will set up a learning environment that will group students by ability and a schedule that will provide instruction in as small of groups as possible. And I will teach as I have always done. The difference this year is in the level of responsibility I will be assigning to my role. Believe me that I want so much to be able to reach each of the students in my class and see that they are progressing toward academic mastery. But I have come to realize that some students (due to a variety of reasons) will not be receptive. They have so much emotional baggage that they are unable to function appropriately in an SDC class such as mine. These students need much more attention than I am able to give with the high numbers of students placed in my class. I would love to be able to do counseling sessions (individual and group) with these students and try to help them with their emotional issues. But I am not there as a counselor. I am there as a teacher. That being said, I have taken myself off the hook for feeling responsibility for those students. I thank one of the administrators in my district for that. In a meeting we were all told that “we are not there to fix kids”. As much as that threw me for a loop when I heard it, I have come to realize that it is true, that I cannot fix all kids. Like the starfish story, even if I reach one, I will have made a huge contribution in that one child’s life. So the burden of responsibility has been lifted from me alone and shifted to include the parents, the students, the administration and the community. With that paradigm shift I am looking forward to my sixteenth year of teaching. I have the pleasure and honor of an amazing para-professional, Martha, who everyday goes way above and beyond. As a team we will do the best that we can for as many as we can.

The other thing I need to focus on this year is my dissertation. As soon as the district rolls over the students from 2010/2011 to 2011/2012 I can get the list of potential participants. I hope to start right away getting interviews scheduled. Then the writing can begin and the drafts sent to my committee. I’m going to have a schedule so I work on the dissertation each day for a specific amount of time. The chair of my committee recommends writing one page per day. I think that is doable!

I go tomorrow to have my week after chemo blood test. It’s gonna be a busy week. :)
Hugs to all!
Dar

Thursday 08/11/11

Day 3 after chemo and only mild side effects. One is that my tongue feels like it is burned and I have little ability to taste anything. But that is something I get every time after chemo and it is certainly not a major consideration. Within a couple of days, that will be back to normal. I started to have some of the lower extremity pain last night, but I’m not feeling any pain now.

CA-125 results came back at 14.8. It was just a bit higher than last time (12), but the PA said not to worry as the number will bounce around from time to time. She said I am still well within normal limits (2-35).

So I’m off to do some light house cleaning and then I’ll be heading into my studio to work on my current project. It sure feels good to feel good!
Hugs!

Wednesday 08/10/11

Shannon and I returned home this past Sunday from a cruise to Mexico. The ship stopped in Cabo for 2 days and then to Puerto Vallarta for 1 day. We didn’t leave the ship once! I read two fun books that were almost 600 pages each and started several others (on my new color Nook). We played cards and just had a VERY relaxing week. It was a good break between the events of the past 10 months and the beginning of this next chapter.

I had chemo Monday 8/8 and the oncologist’s office was able to have the Taxol available. It was an uneventful treatment and so far I have no symptoms or side effects. I should have the latest CA-125 results sometime today. I’ll post when I receive that number. My hemoglobin was still down at 9.6 (normal is 12-18) so I needed to have another shot of Procrit so the anemia would not plummet after the chemo. I go next Monday for my week after chemo blood test to see how those numbers are doing. My white count will go from 2.2 the week after chemo, to what it was on Monday (3 weeks later) at 6.5. It is the anemia that seems to stay low. I am amazed that I am able to function so well at those low numbers and can only imagine how much more energy and vitality I will have when I am no longer so anemic! Look out! :)

Lindsay and I go to see the oncologist on Wed 8/18. The goal is to postpone more treatment pending the results of a PET scan that will need to be scheduled. If my scan is negative, then I will hopefully be done with chemo. I’ll keep you posted.

I was back into my sewing studio yesterday working on a project out of a magazine that Cristy and I have been challenged to finish by the end of this year.

I was awake at 1am yesterday morning so I got up and started doing some initial planning for the upcoming school year. I start back to work next Wednesday with 3 days of teacher only prep time before the kids start on Aug 22. I don’t feel that I am stressing about going back to work, just starting to get prepared a little at a time so that doesn’t happen.

I have also been reading about topics that relate to my dissertation. I will hopefully finish with all of the participant interviews by mid-October so the writing can begin in earnest. The intent is to have the bulk of the initial draft completed by the time my Ph.D. program reconvenes in January. Then I have a few months to tighten it up and submit the final draft in plenty of time to graduate June 2012. I not only want this to be a quality project, I also want to limit stressing myself out by pushing to finish before the June date. My mantra is balance, balance, balance.

Thank you all, once again, for your support, encouragement, prayers, and love. I know that they have been an instrumental piece in my recovery.
Hugs!
Dar